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Announcing: “John Doe Mode”

Tinder Permanently Bans John Doe After Users Report “Screen Trauma” — Officially Classified as ‘Sofa King Ugly’

Tinder confirmed today that John Doe has been permanently banned, citing “severe user distress, app instability, and a facial structure officially classified by internal review as Sofa King Ugly.”

This is the first time in company history that a dating profile was not only removed, but diagnosed.

According to leaked logs, Tinder’s servers reacted to John Doe’s profile like it had been attacked by a hostile aesthetic force.

The App Tried to Save People From Seeing a ‘Sofa King Ugly’ Photo

Within seconds of uploading their selfie:

  • The app force-quit itself in panic

  • The screen dimmed to zero for self-preservation

  • Siri muttered, “That’s Sofa King Ugly…”

  • Google Assistant froze in what engineers called “a digital flinch”

One Tinder developer described the image as:

*“A rare species of ugly. Not regular ugly. Sofa. King. Ugly.”*

User Complaints Confirmed the Classification

The flood of reports began instantly.

One user wrote:

“My phone cracked itself trying to escape the picture.”

Another said:

“Why did Tinder show me a boss fight?
This person is Sofa King Ugly.”

Others described symptoms including:

  • Nausea

  • Spontaneous blinking

  • Dropping the phone out of instinct

  • Whispering “nope” before even reading the bio

One traumatized user reported:

“I’ve never seen a face that made my eyes try to dodge it.”

Bumble Took One Look and Said “That’s Sofa King Ugly — Declined.”

When John Doe attempted to upload the same photo to Bumble, the system didn’t even pretend to be polite.

A pop-up immediately appeared:

“Upload rejected: This image is Sofa King Ugly.”

Attempt #2 triggered:

“You’ve been warned. Don’t do this to the community.”

Attempt #3 produced:

“We said NO. STOP forcing this on innocent people.”

Hinge’s Filters Went on Strike After Detecting ‘Sofa King Ugly’ Levels

Hinge tried to auto-enhance the photo.
The software refused.

  • The beautify tool shut off

  • The AI smoothing filter logged out

  • The color corrector sent an apology email

  • The enhancement engine displayed an error:
    “We cannot fix Sofa King Ugly.”

One engineer whispered:

“This one broke the filters’ spirit.”

Scientific Review: John Doe Achieved Sofa King Ugly Status

Tinder’s research department issued a formal report, concluding that:

  • 38% of users experienced involuntary blinking

  • 14% shielded their screens

  • 9% immediately locked their phones

  • Several described hearing “boss fight music starting” when the photo loaded

The official classification:

Sofa King Ugly Level 4 — Extreme Risk

A spokesperson explained:

“This level of ugly is not common.
It’s Sofa King rare… and Sofa King dangerous.”

The Swipe Ratio Was So Bad, Tinder Thought It Was a Broken Calculator

The attractiveness engine attempted to calculate John Doe’s score but returned:

“-∞ (Sofa King Ugly Threshold Exceeded)”

One developer explained:

“People weren’t just swiping left.
They were swiping with survival instincts —
like the phone was showing them a warning sign.”

Tinder’s Final Decision: Permanent Ban, No Appeals.

Tinder issued the harshest statement in platform history:

*“We have permanently removed John Doe from Tinder after determining their profile meets and exceeds the Sofa King Ugly classification.

For their safety — and the safety of others — we recommend John Doe date in person, from a respectful distance, preferably outdoors where lighting is forgiving.”*

The final line of the announcement simply read:

“Do not upload this face again.”

John Doe Responds — Incorrectly

When asked for comment, John Doe said:

“I thought it was a cute picture.”

Experts unanimously agreed this was the moment they realized
This person has never once viewed their own face on a high-resolution screen.

Rumor: Tinder Is Adding a New Safety Feature Named After John Doe

Internal sources claim Tinder is beta-testing:

⚠️ “Sofa King Ugly Warning Filter”

If a user uploads an image that risks causing panic, confusion, or existential disappointment, the filter will go into: John Doe Mode…

And automatically:

  • auto-blur the face

  • add a safety shield around the profile

  • dim brightness to candlelight levels

  • display: “Proceed at your own risk.”

If you have any questions about “John Doe Mode”, contact customer support.